


retake

by desvelo



Category: VALORANT (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, Ambiguous Relationships, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:00:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29424948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desvelo/pseuds/desvelo
Summary: He can't tell if it feels good or if it's really there.
Relationships: Phoenix/Yoru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	retake

You cradled close to you the ribbed belly of the handguard when you held your rifle, little finger tucked against the bolt handle, thumb caressed the forking metal there below the front sight so that the muzzle flash polished your nail. Your other hand choked around the grip, shadowed by the warplane profile of the magazine, crisp black when you locked it into place with your cherry blossom palm. The beam of light that passed through the trigger guard made it easy to see how endorphins or power ran through you in giddy waves, your undisciplined finger teasing the lever, guiding it through the takeup even before you meant to shoot, edging towards that loss of resistance and blast of gunpowder when you got to take off someone’s head. 

When we worked together the first time on that ship I could sense how you would have shot me. Never had I felt more like an exhibitionist, undressing in the window, caught in the peeping tom gaze of your scope. I understand why housewives do it, strip down for the neighbors in their front lawn monotony - I got excited when I pictured you taking Polaroids, hiding them in the bottom of your underwear drawer, drawing the curtains and jerking off to them later - I never shot better. Yet you were in control, a threat in your voice in my head demanding I perform. I did, I did, I killed them all, and even then you relished in the bullet passing through my naked form. 

Poetry can only tell of rosebuds, north stars, lost souls brought together. I need something more base to say I could feel how you wanted to puke when I came to you begging. After the ship I needed you, was bound to you forever. You needed me below your boot. I know that you found me hideous. I still enjoyed you. 

I don’t think anyone else wanted us to be together, though together is too strong a word. People’s reaction to hard red glistening burns and black bruises and canyons of missing skin is mostly disgust, not care. The glares I got humiliated me. I thought of them when you fucked me. 

I thought of them when I was blindfolded, then in our early days. Like that I had no power, no vision, and all my being shivered shook inside when you dug into me with your long nails and your ancient teeth. I came when you cut me so bad they had to stitch me whole again. You drained me of the confidence I had, reminded me that hell is near to earth; I might have feared you but I obeyed and I loved I loved, I wanted to kiss you when you drew back and spat in my face. 

We went back to that ship once. It was a different kind of mission, one for quickies in the alleys between cargo crates where we were sheltered enough from the wind for you to undo my belt. You might have been kinder then. For fleeting moments you consoled me, touched me, kissed me, cologne on the underside of your jaw making you smell like cigarettes while you pretended you had never been cruel. When we fucked I think there was someone nearby, loading boxes onto one of those belts like they have at airports to take your luggage through the building’s intestines. Could he hear me plead? Maybe it was because of him you stopped when I asked you to. 

Like all star-crossed lovers our time was short. We were Rimbaud and Verlaine, you the former, capricious seer, I the latter, given everything up for this unnatural love, this evil love, this not-a-love-at-all. And like Verlaine I had to shoot you, my aim true where his was not. When we met you told me I would get a bullet through my head, your clarion angelvoice spearing me where I stood. It’ll happen one day. I’ll join you handsome in the spheres.


End file.
